I’ll spare you the time it’ll take you to read all the details of the 75-year-long longitudinal study by Harvard researchers on what it takes to make a happy life. Hint: it isn’t money, it isn’t IQ, and it isn’t good looks. It all comes down to making and maintaining what those researchers call WR’s, or warm relationships. Warm relationships are those in which each partner feels trusted, feels accepted, and feels most of all, that their partner/spouse/friend will have their back —no matter what.
So, if just before you started reading this piece you were doing something other than fostering one of your WR’s, know for certain that there’s no appreciable increase in happiness between making say, one hundred thousand (this number will vary slightly depending on where you live) or fifty million dollars, between having an IQ of 110 or 150, and no evidence whatsoever that fame does anything other than make famous people less happy.
My question is really, why? Why are so many of us striving, on a daily basis, for the very things that don’t make us happy? Why do we live our lives in search of something that hasn’t been shown—whether from the viewpoint of an academic study or our own experience—to give us anything more than bragging rights? If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say it has something to do with fear. There’s something very primal, very visceral, about the human need to squirrel away resources for an uncertain future. And Lord knows, our futures are uncertain!
But no matter how much “stuff” we acquire, there’s always a nagging sense that we don’t have enough. I might feel that if I had $100,000 in my bank account I’d feel secure, but the minute I have it, that previously large sum will feel a bit too small. And then, I won’t feel secure until I have two or three or four hundred thousand socked away. If I’m not attuned to WR’s being the most important part of my life, that elusive number will keep on spiraling upwards.
That’s the nature of living a quantitative life, as opposed to a qualitative one. The former is about high numbers, and the latter looks for deep values. The problem is that in order to achieve a qualitative life we need to do the difficult work of using our intellect to overcome the thousands of knee-jerk responses that are elicited, moment-to-moment, from the amygdala, the most primitive part of our brains. It’s time now, for a little brain science. Stay with me. This won’t hurt.
A little brain science
The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped structure in the brain's temporal lobe, part of the limbic system. It plays a crucial role in processing emotions, particularly fear. When we encounter a threatening stimulus, the amygdala activates and triggers a fear response, which includes physiological changes like increased heart rate, heightened alertness, and preparation for a fight-or-flight reaction. This response helps us react quickly to potential dangers like fleeing from a rabid puma, or an attacker on the subway. However, the amygdala's fear response can sometimes be overly sensitive or misinterpreted in everyday situations, leading to anxiety and stress. For instance:
Social Anxiety: Fear of judgment or rejection in social settings can hinder social interactions and opportunities.
Phobias: Fears of specific objects or situations, such as heights or spiders, can limit activities and experiences.
Chronic Stress: Persistent fear and anxiety can contribute to long-term stress, affecting physical and mental health.
Decision Making: Excessive fear can lead to avoidance behaviors and poor decision-making, impacting personal and professional life.
To counteract the negative aspects of our almond-shaped fear control center, we need to be able to judge whether the amygdala’s alarm bell is signaling something that we truly need to be alert to, or whether it’s something we can safely ignore. Making that distinction is important. When our fear and anxiety lessen it becomes easier to crave “deeper” rather than “more.” Instead of being driven by an anxiety-laden impulse to take, we can foster an open-minded desire impulse to give. Instead of looking for instant gratification, we can live our lives in a way that allows us to create and follow plans that unfold more slowly.
This all begins the same way as learning a language or playing the piano; one small step at a time. In order to learn to play, a very important first step is to listen to the piano being played by someone who is very skilled. It’s from the listening, from the knowing, that we start developing a “desire” to play. It’s the desire itself, which provides us with the impetus to begin the process of sitting down and learning. Only when our desire is activated we will be able to endure the challenges that naturally come with any step-by-step learning.
A more qualitative life
Image: The author and some WR’s
To live a more qualitative life, the place to begin is to look carefully at your own experiences to detect which of them are the most fulfilling. As you consider this, be alert to thinking about things that are merely, “fun.” While I have no beef with fun, going to the movies, doing yoga, playing sports and video games may likely not qualify as the things in your life that are the most fulfilling. Even the fun of winning the lottery won’t qualify.
I don’t need the results of Harvard’s 75-year longitudinal study to back me up on this, but since it does, I’ll paraphrase it once more: The only things in our lives that have been scientifically proven to be truly fulfilling are our warm relationships with other people. As we think about our WR’s we build a desire for them; we then create within ourselves a desire to strengthen them and to achieve more of them. When our WR’s are foremost in our minds will we have the intellectual and emotional strength to place them where they need to be in the hierarchy of our life goals — at the very top.
To recap:
Buying a new Mercedes might be fun, but it will not make your life better.
Becoming closer with your daughter might not make you rich, but it will make you happier.
Now go and reprioritize. Put quality before quantity. You’ll be happier for it.
Check out Peter’s new book here.
You are spot on! I think people pursue more material goals in an attempt to compensate for their perceived shortcomings. I think human greed stems from this. Fame is a tricky thing. As humans we all crave recognition and desire immortality. I guess many folks believe that fame will supply that but may find that it's not all it's cracked up to be. A little bit of fame might be fun, but massive fame can be a huge burden, if what I read about very famous people is true. Oh for more warm relations....!