Control Freaks Anonymous

An Eastern and Western take on learning to let go.

One of life's most challenging tasks is coming to accept the stark reality of just how little of it we actually control. Part of the issue is that there are so very many things that seem unacceptable, from health and financial issues to unfulfilling jobs and relationships—hardly anyone cruises through their days unscathed. 

Part of the issue is that we have decided for ourselves that it is not ok for things to be this way and that any outcome other than what we want is "bad." We are fundamentally invested in the outcome we invented and have concluded that it's reasonable to suffer emotionally for it. Rare indeed is the person who actually lives the well-known maxim of "it’s all good." It's an easy thing to say when things are not so bad.

The Buddhists are famous for their highly developed sense of "non-attachment," as illustrated by businessman turned Eastern theologian Alan Watts:

“I knew a little girl to whom someone gave a bunny rabbit. She was so delighted with the bunny rabbit and so afraid of losing it that, taking it home in the car, she squeezed it to death with love. And lots of parents do that to their children. And lots of spouses do it to each other. They hold on too hard and so take the life out of this transient, beautifully fragile thing that life is.

To have it, to have life, and to have its pleasure, you must at the same time let go of it.”

This makes a good deal of sense, but where we Jews (and Christians and Muslims, I believe) and the Easterns seemingly part ways is the belief in a never-ending striving to grow and improve. Whereas Watts suggested, “There is no place in Buddhism for using effort, just be ordinary and nothing special,” The Book of Leviticus commands, "You will be holy!" We can, and must, become "something special."

How, then, to strike the balance?

For my money, there is no wiser statement found in the Mishna than "It is not your duty to finish the work." We must abandon control of all outcomes (and their emotional consequences) as they simply are not in our hands to achieve. And at the same time, "But neither are you at liberty to not try." We are not excused from trying.

This is non-attachment kosher style. It’s about effort, not outcomes. And were it practiced fully, it would alter our lives, improve our well-being and those around us, and bring us to a higher level of peace of mind.